songbirdsing's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- give me a release oh wow! i haven't felt this out of control in a long time! i wish for once that someone was able to understand what i'm going through, and whats happening to me. i just want to break something. i want to get into a fight for no reason. i want to be a badass! i've never really had this feeling before. it's a combination of frustration, and anger, all rolled up inside me like a bomb just waiting to go off. i feel like i'm going to explode. i fell like i've lost total control of my life. i don't have the strength or the energy to keep up my oh-so-happy face. god, i'm so crazy, i just want to scream. i find myself getting more and more to the brink of...i don't even know! it's like 19 years of all my anger and rage has been building up inside of me. 19 years of being tormented, and totured, and not appreciated, and walked on is finally coming to a head. i now realize and understand how some people can get so mad that they throw things against the wall. sure, it doesn't solve the problem, but it sure allows for some release. i have no release. not now anyway. i seclude myself in my apartment with adam and cody. or i throw myself into my work. i don't spend any time with my friends. i don't spend time painting anymore. my life is adam. my life is cody. my life is work. my life is not my own anymore. any decision i make for myself is quickly knocked down by adam. i need a release. i need to know that it's ok to yell and scream sometimes. it's ok, because in the end everything will be fine. the problem will be over, and everything will be fine. i don't feel like that now. i feel like everything in my life, every choice that i've made has been the wrong one. i need to be around other people to realize that i'm ok. i'm normal. i'm not fucked up. i'm just like everyone else. i'm not the only one who freaks out sometimes. i'm not the only one who feels like throwing the lamp at the wall. i want to feel empowered. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ok much better, for a start. 1:33 pm - 04.22.2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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